Why the same arguments keep happening, and what your body is telling you

By Madelin Myers, LMSW

“Nervous system” feels like one of those words that’s suddenly everywhere. Maybe you’ve heard it in conversation or read about it online and found yourself wondering, “How do I know if my nervous system is working properly?”

The short answer: it most likely is. It’s functioning exactly the way it’s been trained your whole life. The way it’s showing up now just might not be working for you, or for your relationships.

The good news is that it’s never too late to understand yourself more. There’s an immense amount of comfort and security in knowing why you feel and react the way you do, and in learning new ways of working not only with the people around you but with yourself.

So what is the nervous system, anyway?

In layman's terms, your nervous system is your body’s built in safety system. It’s constantly scanning, usually without you noticing, asking the question: “Am I safe right now?”

Based on the answer, it decides how your body responds to stress, to other people, and to anything that feels threatening. Sometimes it means bracing for a fight, wanting to run, or shutting down completely.

I know you might be thinking, “I mean, I know I’m not really in danger when my partner and I get into a fight about our busy work schedules.” And logically, you’re right. But your body doesn’t know the difference between a tense conversation with someone you love and actual physical danger. When it senses a threat to your connection, it can react with the same urgency.

These responses are automatic. Your body reacts before your thinking mind has a chance to catch up. So if you’ve ever been hard on yourself afterward for how you reacted, know that your body was just doing its best to keep you safe.

Where attachment comes in…

Early in life, our caregivers shaped our nervous systems through how they responded to our needs. Was comfort reliable, unpredictable, or completely missing? Our bodies learned from those answers, and that formed our attachment style (another term that might have you rolling your eyes but is actually really helpful to understand!).

These patterns become the blueprint for our closest relationships, which is why romantic relationships are often where everything gets put on full display. But before you panic: your attachment style can change over time. One of the beautiful things about communication and connection in adult relationships is that they can help heal parts of you that didn't get what they needed growing up. (And if a past relationship was hurtful or unhealthy and shaped how you attach, that’s real too. Those wounds can also heal within a safe, loving connection.)

Knowing your own attachment style is a great place to start. I've added some resources at the bottom of this post if you'd like to explore.

What a regulated nervous system makes possible...

When your nervous system is regulated, you feel safe enough to stay present. You can connect, respond flexibly, and stay true to yourself while also remaining open to the person in front of you. You can hear something hard without it feeling like the end of the world.

When the same fight keeps happening...

Dysregulation can show up in ways you might not expect, and it doesn’t always look like anger. In conflict, it might look like…

• Your heart racing and an urgent need to resolve it right now

• Going quiet, numb, or blank mid-conversation

• Leaving the room, or desperately wanting to

• Hearing criticism even when it wasn’t intended

• Saying things you don’t mean

Often, partners get dysregulated in different directions. Maybe one of you shuts down and storms out of the room, while the other starts to panic in separation. One person’s way of finding safety (space) becomes the other person’s biggest threat (distance), and the cycle continues…

That’s why the same argument keeps happening. When you really stop and think about it, your arguments most likely all follow a similar pattern. It’s rarely about the dishes or getting home late. It’s two nervous systems trying to protect themselves in completely opposite ways.

So what can you do?

You can start by getting curious about how each of you reacts when conflict comes up. Chances are, your responses look pretty different. Notice what happens in your body when tension starts to build: where you feel it and what you have the urge to do.

Then, because conflict will inevitably come up, prepare for it in moments when you’re both calm. A few questions to walk through together:

• What do I tend to do when I feel overwhelmed? What do you do?

• What does each of us need in that moment: space, reassurance, touch, a pause?

• How can we take a break in a way that doesn’t feel like abandonment? (Something like, “I want to give this conversation the attention it deserves, and I want to approach it in a calm and loving way. Can we take a break for twenty minutes and come back to it?”)

This is what co-regulation looks like: helping each other’s nervous systems settle so you can both get your needs met and stay connected, even in conflict.

It’s okay that this takes time...

As much as I wish this were a one-off conversation with our partners, it isn’t. It’s one we’ll have over and over, and it will keep changing throughout our lives. These patterns took a lifetime to form, so it makes sense that they take time and support to shift. Many of them live below the surface, so it takes time and patience to bring them into awareness. Therapy can be a space to understand where your reactions come from, practice new ways of regulating, and, if you’re in a relationship, learn to move through conflict together in a new way.

Be kind to yourself and kind to your partner. Healing doesn’t happen all at once. It happens in small moments of choosing curiosity over criticism, again and again.

Curious about your own attachment style? These are good places to start:

• Attached by Amir Levine & Rachel Heller: an accessible intro to attachment styles
• Hold Me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson: on how couples get stuck in conflict cycles and how to reconnect
• Relationship Attachment Style Test (Psychology Today)
• Attachment Style Quiz (The Secure Relationship)

References:

Izaki, A., Verbeke, W. J. M. I., Vrticka, P., & Ein-Dor, T. (2024). A narrative on the neurobiological roots of attachment-system functioning. Communications Psychology, 2, Article 96. https://doi.org/10.1038/s44271-024-00147-9

Pietromonaco, P. R., & Powers, S. I. (2015). Attachment and health-related physiological stress processes. Current Opinion in Psychology, 1, 34–39. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2014.12.001

Porges, S. W. (2025). Polyvagal theory: Current status, clinical applications, and future directions. Clinical Neuropsychiatry, 22(3), 169–184. https://doi.org/10.36131/cnfioritieditore20250301